Dreams v. Reality

I think I'll go home and mull this over
Before I cram it down my throat
At long last it's crashed, the colossal mass
Has broken up into bits in my moat.

So, I finally started listening to The Shins. And... Now I can't stop. The melodies and lyrics simply make me marvel.

Lift the mattress off the floor
Walk the cramps off
Go meander in the cold
Hail to your dark skin
Hiding the fact you're dead again
Underneath the power lines seeking shade
Far above our heads are the icy heights that contain all reason

How does music feel so real? I love when you come across an album that seems to speak right through to what you're feeling at the moment. Music that expresses things you didn't think could be expressed, and melts into the edges of your day, easing the sharp corners.

It's a luscious mix of words and tricks
That let us bet when you know we should fold
On rocks I dreamt of where we'd stepped
And the whole mess of roads we're now on.

I feel like I'm walking through a dream, forcing myself to get things done. But I can't stop slipping into daydreams. They keep me going.

Hold your glass up, hold it in
Never betray the way you've always known it is.
One day I'll be wondering how
I got so old just wondering how
I never got cold wearing nothing in the snow.

Caring Is Creepy -- The Shins

Say You Love Me

I am feeling very mixed. There's so many things... I don't know what to say, or where to start. There are so many tenuous, new connections flying about. A smile, a laugh, an understanding nod. I want to hold onto these things. I want them to become friendships. I need this camaraderie; it fills gaps that were there before. I don't like being alone.

It seems I go around wanting things most of the time. Right now, I want the weather to change, and a long hug. I also want to make it through tomorrow. There are a few other things, but I cannot articulate them, even to myself.

Meanwhile, the scarf I knit grows in inches, giving movement for my worried fingers.

Just Listen To The Music

In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
- Fran Lebowitz

There are imaginary numbers. Can you imagine? As if real ones aren't troublesome enough. Words are tricky tonight, which is bad when one is trying to finish an English paper. But I do love the life of a student. I wouldn't have things any other way.

BUT one thing I would change is the weather. Why does it have to get hot again after is was so tantalizingly cool? It makes the heat seem that much more oppressive. It's all right when you can't remember what it feels like without 90% humidity level, but this is just torture.

I don't know if I've simply worn my body out, or if my campaign of germophobe-like hand-santizing behavior has been ineffective, or if it's the rapid temperature changes, but my sinuses are definitely not well.

But hooray for new shoes and finding the perfect birthday present for my brother.

Music is excellent for injecting a false sense of alertness. Current selection: Ice Cream (Metal on Metal Remix), by the New Young Pony Club. Hooray too for free music downloads (totally legit, I swear).

Oy vey. Please let me make it through.

Midweek Musings

When I stop to think about it, I am shocked at how different my life is from a year ago. Everything seems to fit better now... Even when I get stressed, most days are so much more interesting.

When I was walking into school yesterday in the cool weather, I suddenly thought: It's time to knit something. This happens every year when the weather turns to fall. Maybe I'll finally finish the sweater I started three years ago. Maybe I'll just knit a new scarf.

Boys are goofy. But I like them.

I think I may enjoy getting presents for other people even more than receiving them. I bought my younger brother a birthday present today and it made me happy because it's such a perfect gift. I can't wait to give it to him.

Independently owned coffee shops are soooo much better than Starbucks, or Caribou. And do you really call men baristas? Because that is so stupid I can't even say it. How about "guy who makes really good coffee."

I have to clean my room because my Grandma is coming to visit. I am procrastinating.

I'm not entirely sure how I'm going to get through this weekend, but I am sure I'm going to have fun doing it.

And that is all I have to say about that.

Who Needs Free Drinks?

Today was exceptional for a Monday. So exceptionally nice, that I have to write it down so I can remember it.
First of all, the weather was perfect. Overnight all the humidity seems to have left the air. The morning was crisp, the air was clear, the breeze was cool, and the sun was warm. Perfect. In between classes I layed outside on a bench in the sun, and chatted with a pair of guys about vinegar potato chips, pop, and the weather in Chicago.
Also, when I expressed the desire for a Twix bar during the break in our three-hour English class, a boy bought me one. It was like the vending machine equivalent of not having to buy your own drink when you go out to a bar or something...
Then I went to the bank and deposited a larger-than-usual check and drove home with all the windows down and the stereo just as loud as I wanted.


And I got a 97 on my English paper. Score.

Can I Prevent This Overload?

I've had a lot on my mind lately. Now, here's what I have to say:

Whatever.

Faults

Sometimes I realize that I am too negative. I am especially negative early in the morning after I have just woken up. That is a bad time to propose anything to me, for I will grumble about anything. But once I force myself to do whatever it it, it blows away all my expectations and turns out really... positive.

That happened this morning. I think it possible that God was chastising me. Maybe I am not used to things going this well or being this enjoyable, but I have resolved to try not to judge things before I even start them.
We'll see how long that lasts, shall we?

I Am Not In Charge

My brain won't focus. I had a the kind of day that leaves you with a happy, but spinning brain. Memories from earlier keep popping into my head. This happened and that happened, this person said that.
Then my brain analyzes everything: that was good, will it happen again? Was that too embarrassing, or should I not worry about it? What should I think about this? And then it skips to my mental "to do" list. Homework, laundry, don't forget to call so-and-so, and don't forget to return that DVD to the video rental again, because it's probably overdue by now.
Then my brain moves forward in time and speculates. It projects and fantasizes. Will that go well? What will happen with this person here? What if? What if.
I wish I had better control over my mind. It leaps from one thing to the next and back. Right now is shuffling from one thing to the next, like a poorly trained dog sniffing out all kinds of fascinating scents. All the while the owner is dragged along while pulling ineffectively on the leash.
Homework is rendered very difficult by all this.