So it ends: the first week of classes. It was a big "hello to Junior Year" this week.
I'm still not sure exactly what happened.
Moving in is a blur. At any rate, my stuff is here and put away. I love my apartment. I love having my own room. It feels like such a luxury after dorm life. I vividly remember getting up for the first day of classes - feeling excited and nervous... I remember walking across campus and looking at all the other wan souls who had a class at 8:30 Monday morning. They all looked a little shocked to be up that early and headed to class.
From that point on the week is a jumbled mix of syllabi, new professors, old faces, grocery shopping, filling out forms, assignments. I hate getting through my first flush of assignments. I just get so nervous and paranoid. I'm worried that over the summer I've somehow lost my ability to write well, to read fast, and to ask the right questions in class. Or, I worry that whatever I had last semester won't be enough this time around. Mostly I stay anxious until I know what the standards for evaluation are, and then I relax.
I feel different this semester, though. Even though my usual anxieties are poking their thorny claws into my thoughts, I feel more confident than I ever have before. More relaxed. Perhaps a little more open to mistakes and discomfort. I know I'll be fine. Better than fine, even.
I realize that now I've finally had time to relax and process things a little bit. Today I made myself eggs for breakfast, puttered around the ceramics studio, and had a wonderful chat with my my favorite professor. I turned in the first draft of my first story for the newspaper, which made me nervous. But I am working on letting that go. Now my biggest problem is resisting the urge to go buy a new dress for myself. Tonight, I think I will go dancing.
It just feels so good to be back here at school. I'm so excited for this semester, and excited for London in the Spring.
Life is good.