Acceptance. It's a difficult word, difficult to comprehend, difficult to adopt. At least for me. My natural state seems to be resistance... I fret and complain and resist all the time. My classes aren't hard enough, my work is stressful, I don't like living with so many other people, the weather won't warm up; the list goes on, and it changes depending on the day. I don't know what to write for my next short story, waiting for inspiration doesn't work. I miss my boyfriend and I weep when we talk because I don't want to be this far apart anymore. I'm nervous about going home, and yet in some ways I can't wait.
Yet, every so often, I get flashes of insight where I think to myself that if I could simply accept where I am life would be easier. If I could accept the hard things that I can't stand, maybe I'd feel less exhausted. Maybe I would enjoy the things I love more... I don't know, this is a slippery thing, hard to get at, hard to do. I just keep thinking back to Italy and my first terrifying, lonely day while I waited for my friend to meet me. I was alone in Siena, in a sea of people who didn't speak the same language I did. I felt anxious just trying to find dinner. I didn't talk to anyone all day, but wandered through the sun-soaked cobblestoned streets by myself. It was awful and delicious all at the same time, but the important part is that after a few days I simply started to accept the language barrier for what it was. I can't even really describe it, excpet that once I realized there was nothing I could do about it, it just stopped bothering me. I floated through incomprehinsible conversations with smiles and lots of gestures. I also started to accept that, no matter what happend or where I went, things would be alright.
Being back in London has been more challenging that I thought though. I wonder if I can't get back to the way I felt in Italy - accpeting what I can't change, enjoying what I have, knowing everything will alright. My program is already more than half over, and I want to make it good.
Yesterday, it was sunny and I went for a walk in Hyde Park. There were bunches of crocuses, spread across the grass. It felt like each one was a tiny little promise that spring is on its way.
2 comments:
The Slippery Year might be some good reading for you.
She puts it best;
Melanie Gideon: Simply put, a Slippery Year is a year in which we are in the process of transformation. We’ve got one arm in the coat of our old life (a coat that no longer fits us--the sleeves are too short) and one arm in the coat of our new life (which doesn’t fit us yet either--the sleeves are too long). A Slippery Year is a call to awaken. Change is coming for you, whether you like it or not.
Chops
Ivy,
I'm gonna try and help you out with this one. :) I think that if you find enjoyment in your life overseas, your time in London will become much easier for you. I understand where you're coming from; this semester has been the most difficult one I've had in a long time - my classes are difficult, my grades are slipping, and even though I'm close to Charlotte, I feel lonely, unhappy, and am completely against being at school altogether. Then, when I think about living with my family again this summer, I get anxious and feel as if I'm caught in-between my previous life with my family and the life in which I can be completely independent. Some things in life you can't change, but must accept... and then, sometimes you can't change anything and choose to liberate yourself from those sticky situations altogether. If you focus on the goals you want to achieve, and love what you're doing, you may find that those pesky things aren't reasons for you to hold yourself back from enjoying life. Just take one step at a time, and remember that you can change the direction of your path in an instant if you feel that it's what you need to do. I miss you so much and hope that spring gets there soon! Hope I helped you out. Best of luck!
Love always,
Rachel
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