Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Sweet and Sour

I don't even know where to start. I feel confused. I feel confused because I feel like I should be okay. I should be okay. But I feel horrible. Things have been so good, and yet so frustrating and complicated. I don't know how to handle it. I don't feel like a grown-up, and yet I have all these grown-up problems and complications. Relationships are hard. Have you noticed that? Even if you are madly in love, it doesn't mean that you don't accidentally stomp all over each other sometimes. It doesn't save you from having fights and getting upset. The better the good times are, the harder the tough times become... I suppose that's just life.

I want to go back to the mountains. The air was clear up there. Clear and perfect. I was happy and grateful. The mountains are magic; they knock sense and gratitude back into me. Now I am back in the muddle of daily life and it is so very hard to hold onto that blessed perspective. I had the perfect weekend with my sweetheart, and I had him all to myself. Now I am back to hardly seeing him and arguing over the phone. Now I am back to work that is frustrating, children who are pushing my last nerve. Now I am back to stress over how I'm going to get everything done before I leave for school. I wanted to enjoy that last few weeks of my summer. Was I expecting too much?

I am learning how to compromise, and I am learning how to deal with things day by day. Even when things are hard, I can't imagine giving up. I'll keep fighting for the things that are important to me because... I just don't know what else to do. But by golly is it hard. Sometimes I just want to climb back on top that that mountain and stay there.

What I really want is a fresh start. This summer has been so full of ups and downs I can't even handle it anymore. School is hard and full of ups and downs too. But at least I had free counseling!