Saturday, November 28, 2009
Being home is unsettling. I keep thinking, "I want to go home," and I'm thinking of school. That's the first time that has happened. I miss my routine, my space, my friends, my professors. Even if school is stressful, it's stress that I've chosen for myself.
It just gets harder and harder to come back here... I feel a little guilty admitting that, but it's true. I'm just too attached to living on my own.
I want to go to London. Now.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
It's all muddle. I am aware of my need to cope with stress because it won't resolve itself. Yet, I feel like I can't get a good night's sleep and my stomach hurts every time I eat. I fight with my boyfriend, and I wonder why my best friend is acting upset with me again, and I feel bad about not making time for everyone and everything. Yet... I don't feel quite as out of control as I have in the past. Maybe the lesson is that you should stop fooling yourself and understand that you'll just make it though ... because sometimes that's all there is TO do. I've stopped hoping for things to suddenly much easier, and I'm trying to settle in and focus on what's most important to me. Translated into today, that would mean playing some guitar to relax, making some tea and settling into my armchair to get down to business on this article.
It is a very gloomy day, cold, foggy, and wet. As my favorite professor once said, "I love this kind of weather because it give me an excuse to do the things I always want to do, like curl up with a blanket and read." I agree with that statement. What else is there to do but settle in and write on a day like this? Only one thing: listen to Iron and Wine while you do it.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
“If you do follow your bliss you put yourself on a kind of track that has been there all the while, waiting for you ... I say, follow your bliss and don't be afraid, and doors will open where you didn't know they were going to be.”
As much as my public speaking class annoys me, it has made me rediscover Joe Campbell at a very opportune moment. Amid confusion and doubt and stress it is good to be reminded of him.
I have accepted that from now until the end of the semester I will get no rest. I am deeply committed to what I am doing (most of it anyway, my history test not so much but that's ok). I am comforted by the fact that if you are committed and hard working and good at what you do, people notice. I didn't realize how much respect I've garnered until this week, and it makes me want to work even harder.
I am also starting to accept my call to adventure (aka London). I am ready to step on that plane and let the stream of life carry me wither it will. If only I could skip the paperwork...
Stress levels are being managed through my Bollywood dance workout dvd, and forcing myself to take the time to cook a good meal every day (even if that means making a grilled peanut butter and banana sandwhich; probably the most intense combination of comfort food ever).
It is both very difficult and very easy to stay in love with someone, lovers or friends. I find sticking around is worth it.
I am fighting with my need to study and siren song of my pillow. I think it is time the pillow won out.
Goodnight all, and pleasant dreams.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Such is life, I suppose. Catastrophe is always more possible than we like to think. The recent recession being an excellent example.
On the other hand, my adviser (and mentor) told me today that it was quite possible for me to go out and just invent field to work in, to make myself a job. She said she's seen it happen. I love her for her mix of pragmatism and optimism. It's a balance I'd like to strike myself.
One good thought about the future: today I earnestly started to consider pursuing editorship at the paper next year.
In the meantime, it's hard to keep thinking about things like that when I have SO much to do. I've hardly had time to breathe the past few days. I am working very, very hard to stay centered and calm. The thing that keeps me going is the fact that I really do love what I'm doing. I know it's right for me.
It's tough not to let people throw you off balance. Even the people who love you, (and the people you love) will do careless things now and then. I am trying to focus on things are a part of me. My writing, my pots, my books... I am starting to realize that I need to give some weight to lessons about relationships, just as I do my academics.
I think my biggest goal right now is to be the kind of person (someday) who knows, deep down, what is really important in life, and what is worth letting go of.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I have resigned myself to the fact that blogging is going to happen quickly and at odd times if it is to happen at all. This week has been trying: the highs were high, but the lows were terribly low. I hate crying my eyes out in the car, but I did that this week. I also hate having to get up the next morning and present myself with red and puffy eyes.
I love the opportunities I have been given, though. I saw Yo-Yo Ma speak and perform last Monday. I cannot even describe to you how inspiring that was. Maybe I will try in the next few days, but I don't have time now.
Getting to London will be the death of me, but I am sure I will be resurrected once I do get there.
In the meantime, I am learning to make choices. I am starting to think that maybe giving 100% to every single assignment is not wise, or even possible. I am starting to think that learning to let go of some things should be top priority for me. I am starting to realize that tying my sense of self worth to my GPA is inaccurate and (well) bad. I like the classes in which I am not concerned about getting a good grade, but doing my best simply for the sake of the work. Those classes are few, but I treasure them.
I realize that I may have already realized these things and then forgotten them. I think I'm realizing them even harder this time around, though.
I went to my first college house party last night and stayed for a total of 20 minutes.
I am not a sports writer.
I am dead tired. Part of me can't wait for the end of the semester, and part of me is terrified at how fast that will happen.
Goodnight. That is all.