Thursday, July 8, 2010

Just Can't Get Ahead...


What can I say? Life has been pulling me apart lately, bit by bit. There are not enough hours in the day to manage everything, to do everything I want and planned. I hate summer. Maybe hate is a strong word. Summers make me uncomfortable. They have become (as I've grown up) a strange liminal space, an awkward in-between time, a time loaded with certain expectations and difficulties. I should have known that the summer right after a semester in London (I want to go back!) and the beginning of senior year (ready or not) would be hard. My anxiety level has been rollercoastering from okay to crazy, and I can't stop thinking about the future, the past, everything but the right-now. I feel clueless about grad school, job searching, where to move to, what I want to do... Do I really have to take the GRE? I mean, after a bachelors degree, standardized tests shouldn't matter anymore. It's been harder than I thought to re-adjust to being back in Greensboro, to being back in the same city as my sweetheart. I still can't quite believe that we're back, and yet I'm starting to realize how many decisions we have in front of us. I feel off-kilter. I've woken up late for for work the past two mornings in a row. I've had the most awful tours. I have no food in the refrigerator. Someone left the milk out last night. I'm trying to schedule my vacation/family time and it's not working out exactly how I want, but I don't know what to do about it. I don't want summer school to end, and yet I'm so ready to be done. I really, really need a haircut. It's 100 degrees outside and humid. It's all very exhausting.

What's a girl to do?