Thursday, February 19, 2009

Spring Fever

Oh, God. Spring fever is setting in already. The weather is still cold yet my fever sets in anyway. It feels too early for me to be unfocused, unsettled, and yearning for vacation.

Then again, perhaps it's not. The point remains: my focus and drive dwindles by the day. My brain is just giving out, giving up, rebelling, insisting on watching youtube and knitting all day.


Instead I must summon what energy I have and push through. Quizzes, papers, art projects... I know that deep down somewhere I am passionate about these things. I also know that deadlines help a lot with the focus thing if passion won't suffice. My studies are also a distraction from my mixed feeling about summer at home. I have been so homesick this semester, and vacations sounds divine right now. But will I know how to function at home after living on my own?

I feel so scatterbrained. What point was I making again? Or am I just procrastinating?

I hate these posts. They feel so pointless.

Good news: I may very well be living in an apartment just off campus next semester. This makes me happy.
Bad news: I still haven't seen Coraline.
Good News: I have a significant anniversary tomorrow. Years do fly by, don't they?
Bad News: I keep freaking out about the future.

Lets end on good news: The sun rose this morning and will rise again tomorrow morning. And soon, the weather will be warm.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

When Reality Hits

I am sitting here singing as loud as I can along with my stereo when I should be doing research. There is always something to be doing, but singing really does provide such a good release of emotion... I have been trying to do little things to soothe my soul today. Like singing loudly, and doing laundry (clean laundry is so satisfying), knitting, and wearing sandals because the weather is inexplicably warm enough to do so today...

Foiled expectations can be very hard to deal with. Some aspects of this semester have that ring to them - things are not exactly what I thought or hoped they would be. I remind myself that getting hit in the face with reality is a very good learning experience. I mean, you have to be able to recognize when things are not going as planned and adjust accordingly, right?
It is still painful, though. Some things more so than others. Changing course early on in a research project - not that big of a deal. Realizing that the art class you were so excited about is actually kind of sucky? Slightly harder to adjust to. I can tell you that an Art minor is definitely out for me. Hello, European History. Rocky and changing relationships - even harder to deal with. With my 20th birthday only a few days away, I feel that I need to be mature. I cannot blame immature actions on being, let's say, 16 anymore. No. Problem is, I still don't know what the right to do is. I feel that I should maybe have a few more answers than I do, but I don't. I just want to do right by everybody, including myself. That is not always easy...

Fortunately, a few things are far, far better than I could have ever expected. Some relationships just keep getting stronger and some classes do not disappoint.

Also: I had the opportunity of lifetime last night. I sat about 10 feet away from a stage with Salman Rushdie on it, and listened to him wax philosophical for nearly an hour. It was amazing. He is really funny, did you know that? And he scratches his beard when thinking about what to say. I was enchanted.

Thursday, February 5, 2009


So. Things never run too smoothly for long, do they? Bumps always appear in the road, sometimes deeps cracks, and occasionally yawning chasms with dragons at the bottom...

Perhaps the last one is an exaggeration. I have fallen down no yawning chasms lately. I think I have a tendency to create unrealistic consequences for failing to live up to my unrealistic expectations. Sometimes it takes running into a brick wall to realize that you need a change in thinking. Sometimes it takes an epic crash and burn to see that your emotions are valid, and that, instead of fruitlessly trying to change yourself, something else needs to give.

What am I babbling about? Well, after own my epic crash and burn, after weeks of feeling depressed and overwhelmed and out-of-control, I dropped a class. I, the Dean's List, anal-about-homework-and-grades, devoted, over-achieving student, dropped a class. I still have enough credits to be considered a full-time student, so no worries there. I am still in shock, though. I've never had to drop a class before. Ever. I didn't want to do it. On the other hand, I wanted nothing more than to do it. I made the decision with the support of my adviser, and my parents, and everyone else who loves me. Now, I am exhausted, sick, and tired, left with the aftermath of the burn out.

Sometimes, though, we (certainly I) need a less-than-subtle sign that something has to change... Maybe the important part isn't dropping the class, but knowing when to bend... it's better than stubbornly and blindly digging oneself into a hole, isn't it? Sometimes the signs need to be big, and disruptive, and sucky. That is what I think. These past days have been difficult, but it's easier to deal with hardship when you know it's getting you back out of the hole, instead of taking you deeper in.

Plus, January and February and March generally suck anyway.