Monday, October 29, 2007

Old Patterns

I go for days with nothing to write; I have nothing much to say. But in those days I am absorbing things: people, places, conversations, thoughts, events. I take all of it in and churn it around until it all comes welling up out of me again. Then I have a few days where I can't stop writing, because all this wells up inside of me and I need to get it out and look at it. Then I am exhausted, and I give it a rest. But resting means watching. The wheels are always turning.

Love, oh love, oh careless love,
You fly though my head like wine...

Today was a writing day. My brain is busy, there's so much to plan, so much to dream about. I have a test this week, and another next week. I need to study. I need to decide what courses I'm taking next semester. My grandmother is coming to visit tomorrow. Soon it will be Halloween, one of my favorite holidays. I don't know what I shall do for that. A bonfire to scare away the spirits, perhaps? Did I mention I joined the film club? At least, the beginnings of a film club. NaNoWriMo begins in a few days, as well. What will I write? I'm never really sure.

Love, oh love, oh careless love
In your clutches of desire
You've made me break a many true vow
Then you set my very soul on fire.

Oh, but today was a fine day. A fine fall day. And in reference to the subject of my last post, I've decided that I should go with flow and not think about it too hard. (Too late for that!) That decision should last about three days... I'm smiling as I write that, though, because I know myself. The pattern is so reliable it becomes funny.

Love, oh love, oh careless love,
Night and day I weep and moan.

If you can't laugh at yourself, then what can you laugh at?

Saturday, October 27, 2007

In Love

Why, I wonder, does the search for someone to love, and be loved by, consume so many of us? There is a great a deal to life, but so much energy is focused upon on one, very specific kind of love. Some might consider it foolish even to ask. But I wonder. Especially after the bumps and bruises a heart must sustain.
My mind spins back to the same thing no matter what I do, almost as if I crave the very thinking about romance. I study, and work, and play, and have long phone conversations with friends. Still I think about it, in quiet hours when I am unoccupied.
I know it's not just me. Books, movies, music, and poetry. E-harmony, and Valentines Day, and heart-shaped boxes of chocolate. Annoying, pitying waiters and relatives. Advice columns. We can't help it, can we? Is it really so epic as we think? I don't know, and I'm in no position to judge.
Where am I going with this? I forgot. I think I had some conclusion, but I lost it. Whatever it was. Boys are dumb? I like them too much anyway. I enjoy many of the freedoms that come from singledom? That's not a lie. But... I can't say that pair of blue eyes wouldn't convince me otherwise. There's more to life? That there is. But that doesn't make the full cure.
I've hesitated to write about the subject, for fear of appearing naive. Appear naive? I am naive. Absolutely so. But maybe that is not such a bad place to be? Because once it's gone, it's gone...

I just want you to know, I am not boy crazy. I simply write about the things that confuse me the most. This is up there on the list right now. Looking at this entry, I still can't say exactly what I want to say. But I am trying to value my thoughts simply because they are mine. I suppose I must simply be patient with myself, and life.

I HATE being patient.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007


It really is difficult to practice a zen attitude when the object of your desire keeps popping up right in front of you.


Monday, October 22, 2007

Moving Too Fast

I feel ill. I have pushed my body too far once again, and I am (once again) paying the price. I try to learn, but everybody needs something...

Now I am curled up in bed reading Rilke. I was advised to re-read letter #7 from Letters to a Young Poet. It was so appropriate. He gives wonderful advice, especially in times of confusion. I am confused, and I have nearly given up trying to predict things. But what I know is that these friendships I have made, old and new, are a blessing.

I know I have posted this excerpt in the past, perhaps more than once. But it something I cannot help returning to...

You are so young, so much before all beginning, and I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

Thursday, October 18, 2007


It's raining.

I can hear it on the roof. It's a beautiful sound.

I'm praying it doesn't stop.

Rain, Where ARE You?

I just wish it would rain. I wish it would pour, and drizzle, and sprinkle, and wash away everything. I want to jump past puddles in the parking lot, to see water dripping off the leaves on the trees, to feel a dampness in the air. I want space to breathe. Everything remains so dry, the sun and heat has become as oppressive as lying under a wool blanket in the sun.

Maybe it's my own exhaustion that feeds my dissatisfaction. I feel like a robot. I keep going without thinking about it because I have to. Keep. Going. I have to get through these next few days, even though I am tired and broke. I just wish I could take a nap. (Getting out of bed this morning was a struggle of epic proportions.)

My subconscious keeps buzzing, however, about strange and uncomfortable things. I don't really know how to handle all of it, except to let some things happen as they may, and pursue others as hard as I can. Right now, though, it's time to focus on the next step forward.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Missing and Misplaced

Today was a day of missed things. Missed people, missed expectations. I didn't miss any calls, because none came; I waited all day, but nothing. However, I can't help wondering if (perhaps) I would be dissatisfied regardless.

I must stop this longing. It does me no good.

Having someone mad at you doesn't make things easy either. Even if you are not in the wrong.

Oh, I wish I had some profound thought to hold onto. But nothing comes to mind.

Tomorrow is another day.

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Thank You, Anthropology

Who knew that an Anthropology lecture could trigger such an epiphany as I received today? As the teacher was talking about the laws and social rules that bind our behavior, he made the point that all of this works only because we think it works. We buy into it.

Then I realized that there are people who drive me nuts only because I buy into their whole deal. Then I stopped buying into it, because really it's not what I want.

That was a nice realization. Although, I'm sure I'll be grappling with it all over again soon. Just because I'm like that.

Still. It was a valuable day, if frustrating.

On a totally different note:
It's funny how people can walk into your life and make you see things all anew. I've had someone do that recently... I feel inspired. There's no other word for it. I've started writing heavily again, just because there's so much more there to write about now. Before it was simply my frustration and loneliness. Now, I feel so alive. I'm realizing how much there is out there, how much there is for me to see and do yet. And how much there is for me in places I didn't anticipate.
It's rather thrilling.

Monday, October 8, 2007


Today I was bold. And I am proud of myself. There is so much I need to do, but right now I am so happy.

It feels good to be alive.

Get into the car
We'll be the passenger
We'll ride through the city tonight
We'll see the city's ripped backsides
We'll see the bright and hollow sky
We'll see the stars that shine so bright
Stars made for us tonight
-Iggy Pop

Could You, Would You?

I'm so tired. Last night was restless. I finished my paper around midnight. Then I wrote in my outragousley pink new journal, hoping to get some of the swirl of thoughts on paper and out of my head. I can't say that it was totally effective; I was plauged by strange dreams all night, dreams I can only half-remember now.

I think part of the reason I feel frustrated is that I have this idea of how things are supposed to be. But last night I realized that maybe I've just got it all wrong, and this is exactly how it's supposed to be... and that maybe I should just give myself over to it.

Fall break is coming up. I must make plans. Otherwise I'm just a loser, right?

Friday, October 5, 2007


I am watching the leaves begin to change, but the weather remains hot. This Indian Summer is playing with me. It's leaving me confused.
Today it rained while the sun was shining. I looked out the window and saw blue skies on one side, and gray on the other. And it poured. I can't remember the last time it rained that hard. I went outside just to feel it. I had forgotten the sound rain makes on the trees. It sounded so lush after the quiet, dry spell of the past few months. In the end the rain didn't last long, but it was beautiful while it did.

I've been desiring a new journal; one with fresh pages, absent of old memories. I brought out an old one to finish, but I couldn't bring myself to write in it. I want a fresh start.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Being Alive

Life is never easy, is it? My desires are thwarted and tangled, and I don't know how to seperate myself from them. Every day I walk around in my head, analyzing, and debating, and worrying. Why should I, when I could be watching? Being alive is so beautiful. I realize that every time I wake up in the morning and see the sky. But it's not easy. No, no, no.
I try to say yes, yes, yes to it all. To participate joyfully in the craziness, and ambiguity, and hardship, as well as the kindness and laughter. I am here, and that is enough. I want to walk around with my eyes wide open. I don't want to miss anything because I'm afraid of getting hurt.

I so often fall short of that goal that I sometimes forget about it completely. I end up wanting to know what's going to happen next. But really, that would be boring, wouldn't it?

I am off to face the world again.

Monday, October 1, 2007

Roman Candles

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars."
-Jack Kerouac

I am mightily confused. Why can't people be more straightforward? I suppose when one is afraid of rejection, an awkward dance is inevitable...
Intermediaries help.
But what is my next move?
It's hard to decide when you aren't exactly sure what you're dealing with.
This feels so middle-school.