Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Past, Present, And Future...

Here I am back again, per request. Back at my desk, in my messy, messy room, once again avoiding homework. The usual, yet different, because nothing stays the same these days. Least of all me, it seems. I've tried to write lately, but every time I try the words won't come, or if they do they come stumbling out in a disjointed, inadequate way... I'm grasping at meaning, but life has been a paralyzing deluge that I am busy simply trying to keep up with. I can feel life working itself through my body, the wheels of my mind clicking and turning, trying to match it all up. So far it's hard to tell what's matching and what isn't. Discord and harmony seem to be constant bedfellows.

When I am driving or walking from class to class I get snippets of memory from last semester; driving through the hot, heavy morning with the windows down to hear the frogs and crickets, feeling unsure and excited taking furious notes, sitting and drinking iced coffee with that beautiful boy who isn't here anymore, and listening to the Shins. I can feel the memories as they layer themselves over my surroundings, providing a sharp relief against the present.

Right now, I am deeply frustrated by the fact that in the place of an exciting romance I am stuck with fending off deeply unwanted attentions from strange boys who sometimes come uncomfortably close to the term "stalker." They are mostly harmless I think, (and perhaps I'm being just a little harsh) but I don't feel that this is fair, and my patience is wearing dangerously thin. It's not really that I'm so desperate for the romance (actually, after recent events I've become intensely ambiguous about the whole deal), but if I can't have it I would just like to be left alone, thank you.

What is different this semester (for semesters are what my life revolves around in great part) is that I hold up the shadowy, yet potent future almost constantly in front of my eyes. I went and toured Guilford College, and even though I don't know for certain that is where I will be next fall, it makes it hard to go back to my present after seeing what my future could be. No more commuting, decently challenging classes, perhaps even a sense of community? Of belonging somewhere? Because I don't belong at community college (not that it's bad), and eventually I won't belong absolutely at home either. (Not that it won't be home. It will always be home and all the beauty that implies. But everything has to change, and I can't stay forever...)

Frustrations, however, are mercifully offset by the support of some close friends. I know I say it all the time, but it's always true. I pray I never become insensitive to that particular blessing.

That is as much as I can say right now. There is so much left to be said, but the words have not yet made themselves clear. The words or the feelings. I just keep moving forward because I have to.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

The Mystery Grab-Bag Of Life

Life truly is a mixed bag. The mix this past week, however, has been mostly good. Life is starting to ease back into a pattern, classes are becoming more comfortable, acquaintances are being struck up... I've also found that doing volunteer work and planning for the future are both excellent ways to get over, well, lots of things. I'm visiting Guilford college this weekend, and I am unreasonably excited about it. The other cure for the blues is laughing madly at the state of all your affairs with good friends (over coffee or watching football). That, and finding a fifty-dollar sweater on sale at Banana Republic for (drum-roll please) ten dollars.

There have been some awkward hiccups (very awkward). I will never get a handle on this whole boys thing. Ever. I am both a villain and a victim. The best I can hope is that these sublimely awkward moments of rejection will someday fuel my fiction. I am playing this by ear, people. I'd like to apologize to people I may have hurt. But I can't say I've ever gotten an apology from those who hurt me. So, I guess that's life.

But overall, things are good. Can I mention again how much I love English class? William Faulkner = new favorite author (at least when it comes to short stories). So, I keep moving, despite the hiccups. They will always be there, but I have a lot of good stuff going for me right now, and I'm grateful.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Disclaimer: Pathetic, Self-Indulgent Moaning Ahead...

Beginnings are always difficult, I think. Either that, or January as a month just sucks no matter how hopeful and optimistic you are going into it... Or is the hopeful expectation itself the problem? All I know is that this week has been killer, a triple or maybe quadruple whammy. A week of sickness, and no one who will sit next to you (except the slightly odd fellow who you are trying not to be judgmental about, because you don't want to be mean and stuck-up even though you really are), and teachers who ask good questions, only your brain freezes and your throat closes up because it's a lot to be in this place with all these new people... It was a week when the checking account threatened to dip below ten measly dollars, and you run away down a dead-end hallway and only end up making an idiot of yourself. Then you spill coffee on your lap, and then you get in the car and cry because even though he drove you crazy, you still miss him.

And it's only Wednesday.

I wasn't dating Nick Rhodes, I wasn't dating Rodger Tyler,
I wasn't dating John Tyler I wasn't dating Andy Tyler,
I wasn't dating Simon Le Bon.
I was sitting by myself with my collar up,
A tear in my eye and an aching in my heart.

And my converse on.
My converse on.

-The Moldy Peaches

Update: It's snowing. Here. Amazing. This storm may the beautiful reprieve I am wishing for. Pleeeeease let school close tomorrow...

Friday, January 11, 2008

A Bang and a Whimper

So begins the semester. I am once again to be found stalking the community college campus, with it's hallways that smell of linoleum. I have manged to endure the awkwardness of the first day of class, when you walk in and no one knows each other, no one speaks, and you know everyone is staring at you as you try to choose a seat. Are you the kind of student who sits in the back or the front? Everyone is evaluating everyone else, and I am no exception. I like to check out everyone who is in the class too. Then there are the teachers. Are they friendly? Tough? Funny? Is this class going to be a pain, or really interesting? I do like all my teachers, and I am grateful for that. A good teacher can make or break a class...

I went through this process with Spanish, Statistics, World Civilizations One, and Literature-Based Research. I think it's going to be a good semester. I'm tired, and quite possibly coming down with the cold that's been traveling around my family, but it hasn't been quite enough to dampen my beginning-of-the-semester excitement. Once again, there isn't anything I'd rather be right now than a student.

With that said, I'm also already just slightly overwhelmed. But I'll manage. I have my organizer, my brain, and my friends/family (those two make up a really excellent support system, I tell 'ya... For when the brain goes on the fritz).

Wednesday, January 2, 2008

Hello Year

A new year, a new look. I have tried not to think about the year ahead. Instead I have grasped as hard as possible on the last tendrils of my idleness. That meant not even thinking about work etc. Instead, I watched Die Hard with my family, had a dance-off, went to see Juno with my girlfriends, and ate pork and sauerkraut. (By the way, what do Southerners eat on New Years day?)

But, alas, vacation is slipping away. I have to go back to work tomorrow. (Mixed feelings there. I don't want to go, but I know it's good for me all the same...)
I've also spent almost all my Christmas money on music. Latest acquisitions: Mute Math, Lady Sovereign, Ingrid Michaelson, and Elliot Smith. I expect all of these to ease my passing into the new year. Music has a marvelous way of easing any sharp edges.

More later.