Taken for Granted

In my last post I wrote about anxiety coming in waves ... whoo boy, that hasn't changed. It feels even more extreme this week. I go from feeling calm and okay to completely freaked out. I have no time, or not enough time. This week has already been trying already. I still have an eight page paper, a presentation, and a photo shoot to complete over the weekend. Oh, and editing and the GRE on Saturday. It's also a significant weekend for a friend, and I can't just check out on that either. And then there is the significant other who needs time too.

I can't sleep at night. I want to be done with all this, done with the pain and anxiety. I want to feel reassured and confident. I also want to become a hermit, to ignore everything for just as long as it takes to get these assignments done. But the idea of isolating myself entirely is upsetting in its own way too. I told myself this semester would be different. One good thing I can say is that I've become much, much better at still functioning even when I'm freaked out and unsettled and anxious (about school, about relationships, or anything else).

I can't help but feel that every aspect of my life that I've taken for granted over the past few years is getting shaken up and moved around, and I keep banging my knees into the furniture because it's not where it was, and I still don't know where everything is going to land in the end. I mean, I think I know what I want. I think I can get there. But the in-between is so very difficult.

Perhaps this is just what happens during transition times like these. Things change. Things surface. Things become uncertain. There is at least a little grain of excitement there.