Monday, December 31, 2007

Goodbye Year

I found this, courtesy of PostSecret, and I thought it was natural, considering how many of us are thinking about this past year at this point. It's almost over, and I wonder how many other people want their year back. I wonder how many people want more than just the last year back. It made me wonder, for just a minute, if I want my year back. I wonder if maybe a little part of me wishes I could go back and re-live it. I wonder if there are any changes I would want to make. I don't think there are, really. When I think back on the past year... I think it was a crazy, wonderful, mixed-up, meant-to-be, perfectly timed year. I had not a clue what was in store for me last January. In fact, this year began with a sinus infection. How lovely. Last January, I was sick, depressed, wildly emotional, and not exactly full of faith. Even quoting Joseph Campbell at myself didn't seem to help that much. Fortunately, January wasn't an indicator for how the entire year was going to go. It was a year of ups and downs, and the downs got pretty low. But, oh, the ups were so high... It turned out to be year of some lasts, some repeats, and a great many firsts.
First, I turned eighteen. I finished my last year of debate with one last trip to the Regional tournament. I didn't go to Nationals (which would have been a first) but I did get to go to Disney World for the first time, and ride my first roller coaster! And I had the chance to spend time with one amazing family, and make some really amazing friendships (one of which has lasted much longer than I could have anticipated, and I'm so grateful). I joined a small group, and made more good friends there too. I also graduated from high school (ha, I made it!). Then, I spent serious quality time with all my Northern folks. I also got to take my very first trip to Chicago (highly notable, and highly wonderful). I read the last Harry Potter book. I got to see my parents start a business. I got both my driver's license and my very first car (that was a biggie). Then I fell in love, back out of love, made a new friend, got even closer to an old friend, and finished my first semester of college classes. (All while working part-time. I might mention that in the past year I manged to quit my job, and then get re-hired again.)
It was a big year. A good year.

Now I am looking into the face of another new year. Yet another unit of the order we try to impose upon time is gaping in front of me. I'm looking at it, and honestly, I'm a little scared. I'm scared that I won't make it to a four-year college like I want, scared if I do I won't be able to pay for it, scared that I won't be smart enough to handle statistics and Spanish... In this past year, and the past few month especially, I have found that there isn't anything I'd rather do with my life than be a writer. That gives me a wonderful sense of conviction and scares me to death at the same time. I'm even a little scared at how fast it all goes by. I have so many resolutions I want to make, that I know I'll never keep. I know I'll just keep bumbling along, figuring things out as I go, helped in large part by other people.
However, when I think back on the past year... I realize that a lot of good came out of places where I didn't even expect it. That gives me hope.

Now, there is no way I'm going to come up with an ending that isn't ridiculously sappy or trite (I tried, but no luck). I'll only say that I do not want my year back. I think I may (God help me) be ready to dive into the next, feet first. (Especially now that I have lovingly exorcised 2007 through writing this.)

Happy New Year. I hope it's a blessed one for us all.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

good stuff....Amen

Chicago Ant

Bruce Johnson said...

Goodness, it made me revel in the amount of energy that you had to have just to get through that year. The only thing that should scare you should be maintaining that energy level until your 60. When you get older, stuff comes at you just as fast, but you get tired more quickly (I am talking mentally, not physically). Worry not, you will accomplish all those things on your list, but by the time you do, you may realize that they weren't really the things you wanted. Life has a way of changing things along the journey.