Oh my. I feel burned out, entirely undone. I am still searching for a satisfying, hard-working, take-no-prisoners, have-fun, don't-fall-behind lifestyle that doesn't leave me completely spent at the end of every week.
It's still hitting me that I might be setting the bar too high, or perhaps aiming at the wrong bar all together.
I feel discouraged every week because I can't get everything done. Every week, it seems, something happens to set me off, make me cry, and make me feel that I'm not good enough. Why is it so difficult to find what it means to live a sustainable life?
I had an enlightening conversation with a very wise woman yesterday. She told me that part of school is learning how to choose. You must choose what is important to you, what you want to get out of a class, and probably someday a job or a grad school program. Trying to do everything only makes you sick.
I know this. I've gone over this already, written about it already, talked about already. How and when does learning take place? That's what I want to know. What does it mean, really, to be a compassionate person? I will not be a doormat; that is not compassion. Will I learn to let go of some things? Will I learn to stop eviscerating myself over every little slip, every item not finished or perhaps only half-assed? Will I learn to take a stand over what's really meaningful to me and what I can reasonably accomplish every week? Will I extend that understanding to other people?
I don't want to run around feeling like my head is on fire. But I was also told yesterday that I am really the only one who can put out that fire. Really. Seriously.
Okay. Good decisions made this past week. One, deciding to get farm fresh, local, organic veggies through the veggie co-op. I now possess many hard-to-identify root vegetables and some lovely field greens. Two, deciding to pitch and run that story on sexual health in The Guilfordian. I think it's a good piece of journalism, and (more importantly) it will probably get people talking. Three, deciding to finally take the time to update this blog.
2 comments:
I don't think I've ever left you a comment, but this is a great post to start. I agree: school is learning how to choose. I find it so difficult to choose. There are so many things that interest me, there are so many things I am required to do each week, choosing is the hardest part. The flip side, and it is even more difficult for me, is having someone choose for me. For example, because I am a German major, some people seem to not find my opinion valid on other non-German topics. (In fact, it happened yesterday, when someone said they were a historian because they were a history major, and conversely, that i am not a historian.) The point of that was: yes, you and only you can choose what is important. and the great thing is that you can change your mind! Some weeks, sleeping and watching gilmore girls will be the priority, and others, tackling the 12-page essay. It's okay to be flexible.
Your good decisions sound like great decisions. The veggie co-op is something I need to do when I return; the story was enlightening (i did have one problem with it--which i'm sure you've already been told or will find out soon); and I love reading your blog. You are a very talented person and I, at least, have always considered you one of the nicest and more respectful people I've ever met.
So keep on trucking. Here are suggestions for two songs to help: Michael Tolcher "Sooner or Later" and The Weepies "Can't Go Back Now"
Oh Bree' I'm so glad you decided to comment... this made my day. I did hear from Jeff and I was going to email you back once I collected myself. I've been struggling because there has been some quite legitimate criticism raised against the article and I'm the kind of person who hears that and wishes they could go back in time to fix it. However, that is a waste of energy. I've decided that, maybe it's okay if the story is flawed because if people start pointing that out, talking about it, getting loud and sharing important things then that story has done what I wanted it to do. I'd rather have people start talking, clarifying, and criticizing rather than not talking about it all.
Anyway,it's always nice to have a reader chime in on this here blog - makes me feel a little less isolated in my struggles. I hope you are loving Germany and for the record I've always thought you are a lovely person as well.
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