Well, now. I feel naive. I feel naive, but I also feel that I simply could not have anticipated the events of the past few weeks. I feel blindsided, but I also feel these things were inevitable (at least, in retrospect). I am at a loss to explain. My last post is still meaningful but it doesn't quite cover things ... I thought the storm was well over at that point and it sure as hell wasn't. The analogy doesn't fit anymore, because I'm still dealing with the issues that came up recently.
I'm being cryptic. I apologize, but it's the only was I can be appropriate while still trying to process. Some things are meant to stay between you and your therapist, let's face it. But I feel different and I want to note that. I feel different when I wake up in the morning and when I go to bed at night.
I've been able to move forward, to name problems, to see the positive and healthy way of dealing with everything that has happened. What surprises me the most is that I thought I was an adult before, but really I was just taking laps around the kiddy pool. Now, I've taken the first deep, icy plunge into the real adult world; a world of frightening ambiguity, of pain, of learning how to cope. You know what? It makes my concern over a B- on a paper seem childish and irrelevant. My anxiety over my GPA pales in comparison to all this. I still care about doing a good job for the sake of it; I'm still passionate about what I do (it keeps me centered, you see). But the intense anxiety and self-doubt that I suffered from worrying about grades and what my professors thought about me seems so unimportant and pointless. If I can get through this, through feeling like I've been turned upside down, then surely I can deal with a poor grade here or there. I have better things to cry about than that.
I'm only one person. I can only do so much. I've been pushed harder than ever before to evaluate what I want and what I value. I'm still working those things out, but it does give one perspective (no matter how painful).
p.s. I'm okay, folks. I promise. Just work'in through stuff ... guess that happens during senior year, eh?
3 comments:
I remember a 6 year old counting pennies out for each year of her life. Then I added a 7th penny, and asked her what that makes. "Over the hill" she replied.
Agahst at this thought, I quickly asked, "Well then what?"
"Well then daddy, you go over another hill, and another...."
Looks like I knew more at 6 than I do now (in some ways). Love you, Dad.
He is a lovely dad...and the hills keep popping up, but your muscles strengthen, your knowledge of the terrain deepens, your difficulties teach you many valuable skills, and the vistas and views will sometimes take your breath away, just when you think you can't take another step. And yet you do, refreshed. Love makes all this possible. Much love to you dear Ivy.
Chicago Ant
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