Be Mine?

So, today was a good day. Valentine's Day is never quite that significant to me. It is generally overshadowed by my birthday which is two days after. Also, I've never had anyone to get mad at, or anyone to mad at me, for forgetting about it. I say that without any bitterness or regret or anything like that. I'm too young for either of those. However, I DID get a Valentine's card from one of my young Tae Kwon Do students. That, and some chocolate. I was quite tickled. I'm telling you, this teacher thing rocks like nothing else on some days.

I know I have a crapload of work to do. For some reason, though, it isn't stressing me out. I just feel unreasonably happy. As for being on the fence, I figure I will eventually just lose my balance and fall off onto one side or the other, and that will be that.

So, Happy Valentine's Day.

I Mean, What Could Go Wrong?

At what point does one make a leap? When your friends agree it's a good idea? When your parents think it's a good idea? When you just feel like it?
My brain invents too many things to go wrong. I'm not really sure which ones are reasonable and which ones are simply overkill anymore.
Do I worry about right and wrong too much? And I don't mean that in a cosmically epic sense. I mean I worry about whether the decisions I make are good ones. Ones I won't regret, essentially. I try to plot out along the consequences of what I might do and evaluate the pros and cons. I think maybe I should stop evaluating, because I don't really have any real understanding of what might happen. Furthermore, maybe there is something to be learned from any action and it's consequences... Good, bad, or in between both.
It's a thought. I think it when being sensible becomes slightly tiresome.

Then I start to question my motivations. That's uncomfortable because I have very few answers for myself in that department, and sometimes the answers I come up with I don't like...

Walking On Cartons Of Eggshells

I was going to bake something just now; some nice scones, perhaps. Anything to keep my hands busy and my mind at ease. Nothing satisfies that quite like baking for me. I bake to get rid of anxiety, and confusion, and general restlessness and dissatisfaction. My plans tonight were foiled by the fact that there is nothing either in our refrigerator or cupboards. Actually, I had most everything I need except... eggs. Curses.
So, since I have set aside what is left of my Spanish homework for now, I have nothing to do but sit here and type my own self-indulgent thoughts.

I don't know why I always try to classify a week as good or bad. It's always a mix. And then there are some things that don't seem to fit in either category. There should be a third: confusing. Some things I can't explain here, just because I don't want some people to get the wrong idea. But an element has entered into a friendship that has kind of thrown me off... I have no idea how to treat it. It also has stirred up a number of thoughts and memories that are not very comfortable. Add to that frustrating dreams and an inability to make up my mind.

On the other hand, I always seem to let my mind get bogged down and tied up in the things that are bothering me no matter how much good I have going. I am in the very process of applying to transfer out of community college. That is exciting. My birthday is next week. In exactly one week, I will have exactly only one year left of my "teens." That's kind of exciting too.

I have forgotten the point of this. What am I trying to leave you with?
Here: Maybe our expectations are the problem. Think about it.

its just my heart gets rejected by my veins

I am taking a study break. A strategic break from the studying I put off until tonight. I could have done it earlier, but my self-discipline has been weak these recent days. It has been unreasonably warm. Yesterday I sat in my car in the middle of the school parking lot with the windows down, just lounging in the warmth. Weather in the South really is friendly, and I think that has something to do with this Southern politeness... 70 degrees and sunny made me feel sleepy, and dreamy. It felt like spring. Dreamy is good, because it beats worrying and over-analyzing. Two things I seem to do no matter how hard I try not to. I don't understand much, really, but I keep trying anyway. Don't know why.

I made the Dean's List, though. So, I suppose I understand a few things.

Today was a day that could not decide if it wanted to shine or storm. I like days like that, and I like how intensely detailed nature seems after a good soaking. I am witness to so much, and I just keep feeling that it is all part of a big, confusing, beautiful puzzle... if I could only get the pieces to go together. I also feel we're all doomed never to grasp the whole picture, but there you go.

*rilo kiley

Past, Present, And Future: Further Thoughts

Our lives are fluid: this is something my aunt told me once, and I can see how true it is. Last post I think I came close to it, but never really said it. The forces and currents that move us are not only the ones that belong to the present. The future exerts a powerful hold over us, and certainly me. It is what I act toward, what I can still dream about. It influences so much, yet changes so constantly. My personal road-map has fluctuated many, many times. Although, it still retains the basic essentials. College, for example. But where? And to do what?
The past, though, is inescapable. It shades and informs everything with experience. I have very little experience as of yet. Lots of future, slightly less past. The present is perhaps the hardest to get to, to understand. As soon as I think about it, it's gone... It's that fine line between the first two. But the present is when things actually happen, that is where life is lived. Or is it?

At this point things have gotten to philosophical for me, so my line of thought will stop there. Perhaps I've been thinking of it because I've been paying far more attention to the past and future than the present lately. Fridays are blessed days, however. Today was a day spent in the present, and it was good. Beautiful, in fact.