Monday, December 28, 2009




It is so much easier to stand back and frame a photograph than to stand back and frame things in the bigger picture. I am not good at transitions, goodbye-for-nows, or letting go. I reach accpetance eventually (off and on) because I have to, because I know that we are both doing the right thing. But being home makes me feel cramped and trapped - like I'm in high school again. It hurts more than I thought it would, thinking about leaving the man in that photograph. It hurts even more not having the time or privacy to say the right goodbye before we both leave the country.

I am ready to leave right now, I want it for both of us. All this businness of shopping and packing makes me anxious and a little scared. The time between now and when I leave seems so long, and all too short at the same time. I am trying to find a balance between holding on to what I have here and letting go enough to be brave and just cut the ties. I want to let go, just let go and go away... but I won't believe that I'm actually going until my foot is inside that plane. Day-to-day tasks seem surreal knowing that I'm going to London so soon, and I bounce back and forth between being grateful, excited, ready... and not ready at all. Scared, frustrated, overwhelmed. And then I beat myself up for it, telling myself that I should just be grateful and excited for such an adventure. This is, after all, what I've dreamed of for years.

Dreams are complicated when they come true, though. Sometimes my relationship (going on two years soon now, oh my) feels like a dream come true. It is. But it hurts sometimes too. It's hurts to love that much. We hurt each other on accident sometimes, we can't have what we want sometimes. Part of me can see rationally and be patient; another part of me just wants to cry. I get angry when I come home because it feels like going backwards and I hate it.

And yet, things keep falling into place. I am lucky, so lucky. I have worked hard, but my open, desiring hands have not been left empty. I suppose it is better to have too much of life, rather than too little.


3 comments:

Bruce Johnson said...

A candle that burns twice as bright, burns twice as fast......don't forget to slow down once in a while, or you miss some very important stuff.

Jenni said...

Sometimes I really hate that I can see "both sides of the story". Meaning I can recognize what I'm feeling at the same time as realizing what I think I should feel, or what other people might feel in the same situation. And I think you might be similar.

Best advice- try to chill and go with it. What you feel is what you feel- and I've finally decided it's pointless to try to change it. And it's ok to feel schizophrenic sometimes, like there are two completely different perspectives in your head.

Anonymous said...

Growing up is a very difficult task. If it wasn't already crazy enough going through your teenage years, the years as a semi-adult are even more hectic. (I say semi-adult because parents want to treat you like a kid, but you're like "Ah, I've been out on my own now for two years, let go!")

I say let go, too. Let go of your fears - think of London as a great adventure, one where you can be yourself and explore new possibilities. You aren't cutting your family, your boyfriend, or your past memories out of your life, you're doing something for yourself; you are going to London to make new memories and to get a different perspective on life.

Think of it like your first year at college (haha, not at CPCC) but just in a different country. You were excited and nervous at the same time when first starting school, but you ended up loving it overall. You and your loved ones missed each other, but you liked your new niche and wanted to stay there. Do not fret, Ivy! You've done this before, you can do it again. I will always be one Skype call away. :)