Here I am back again, per request. Back at my desk, in my messy, messy room, once again avoiding homework. The usual, yet different, because nothing stays the same these days. Least of all me, it seems. I've tried to write lately, but every time I try the words won't come, or if they do they come stumbling out in a disjointed, inadequate way... I'm grasping at meaning, but life has been a paralyzing deluge that I am busy simply trying to keep up with. I can feel life working itself through my body, the wheels of my mind clicking and turning, trying to match it all up. So far it's hard to tell what's matching and what isn't. Discord and harmony seem to be constant bedfellows.
When I am driving or walking from class to class I get snippets of memory from last semester; driving through the hot, heavy morning with the windows down to hear the frogs and crickets, feeling unsure and excited taking furious notes, sitting and drinking iced coffee with that beautiful boy who isn't here anymore, and listening to the Shins. I can feel the memories as they layer themselves over my surroundings, providing a sharp relief against the present.
Right now, I am deeply frustrated by the fact that in the place of an exciting romance I am stuck with fending off deeply unwanted attentions from strange boys who sometimes come uncomfortably close to the term "stalker." They are mostly harmless I think, (and perhaps I'm being just a little harsh) but I don't feel that this is fair, and my patience is wearing dangerously thin. It's not really that I'm so desperate for the romance (actually, after recent events I've become intensely ambiguous about the whole deal), but if I can't have it I would just like to be left alone, thank you.
What is different this semester (for semesters are what my life revolves around in great part) is that I hold up the shadowy, yet potent future almost constantly in front of my eyes. I went and toured Guilford College, and even though I don't know for certain that is where I will be next fall, it makes it hard to go back to my present after seeing what my future could be. No more commuting, decently challenging classes, perhaps even a sense of community? Of belonging somewhere? Because I don't belong at community college (not that it's bad), and eventually I won't belong absolutely at home either. (Not that it won't be home. It will always be home and all the beauty that implies. But everything has to change, and I can't stay forever...)
Frustrations, however, are mercifully offset by the support of some close friends. I know I say it all the time, but it's always true. I pray I never become insensitive to that particular blessing.
That is as much as I can say right now. There is so much left to be said, but the words have not yet made themselves clear. The words or the feelings. I just keep moving forward because I have to.
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