Perfection

I was going to write a post about accepting grace, and how my life has been a crash course in just that lately. The only sticking point came up when I realized what a constant battle I really was faced with. Every day is one step forward, two steps back. Because it is one thing to recognize grace, and something else to actually accept it. I feel unworthy, and that trips me up even though I know that is just the point. It is not something you earn.
Then I realized what my problem really is, why I can't seem to get around my own fear and doubt: I want to live a life without mistakes. I want to live life so perfectly that I don't do anything wrong. I want grace and forgiveness to become unnecessary.
And pigs will fly before that happens, because simply being human means that you are, in some sense, a screw up. It doesn't mean that we aren't capable of good things, but it does mean that things like grace and forgiveness will always, always be necessary. It means that life is messy. I just can't seem to come to terms with the amount of pain that comes along with joy. That is why I don't want to make mistakes, even though that is how I learn.
Now that I've made that diagnosis, I don't know what comes next. But maybe that was two or three steps forward instead of one.