Run, devil run, devil run
Devil run...
This morning I woke up with the haze of lost sleep, feeling dragged down by my own thoughts. I felt sort of flat, and anxious about the state of my mind, and things in general. What I wrote last night was still clinging to me. After I wrote all that, I sat back and thought, "Where did all that come from?!" I knew I had just unlocked a door that might have been better off left alone. "Now everyone will know how crazy I really am," I thought.
Run, devil run, devil run
Devil run...
But it's funny, because when I walked out of my house this morning and got in my car I noticed what a beautiful day it was. The sky alone was enough to knock me flat on my back, I can't even describe it. It was a deep, hazy, blueish-gray, and the sun shone up against it and illuminated the morning mist that hung over the trees... The whole morning was so fresh and real and gorgeous that it made my chest hurt just looking at it. I realized by what grace I am allowed to wake up every morning and see scenes like that. Being alive is a blessing in of itself, and I thought perhaps that the answer isn't necessarily knowing the answer but just loving as hard and as well as we know how... And to do this in spite of all that suffering or really because of it. I do believe in grace, and maybe that is a first step towards faith.
As for writing, I'm afraid that is all I know how to do, even when it is uncomfortable. I leave you with this quote on why I do what I do. If I can come even a little close to this, then it is worth it:
"We write to expose the unexposed. If there is one door in the castle you have been told not to go through, you must. Otherwise, you'll just be rearranging furniture in rooms you've already been in. Most humans are dedicated to keeping that one door shut. But the writer's job is to see what's behind it, to see the bleak, unspeakable stuff, and turn the unspeakable into words - not just into any words but if we can, into rhythm and blues."
-Anne Lamott
In conclusion, today was a beautiful day.
Run, devil run, devil run
Devil run...
From the light.
-Jenny Lewis
2 comments:
Once upon time a favorite priest of mine, Fr. John Fahey, put together a small play for his homily on the temptation of Jesus in the desert. Fr. Fahey dressed up like a dashing confident man. He came upon an a friend, a woman, who was so excited about a new job and opportunity to use her gifts. He congratulated her and then proceeded to quietly put doubts in her mind about the new opportunity. Would she have the right stuff? How would this affect her family? Would her husband be jealous? Would she have time for her lovely children? He masterfully undermined her confidence and she walked away wilted and defeated -filled with self-doubt. Fr. Fahey then talked about how "fear" is truly what can bedevil us and cause us to falter. It is not the obvious temptations that bring us down...only our lack of faith in ourselves and the goodness of the universe. Grace found you today and bless you for being such a good listener. I think we have to listen to both voices to know that "fear" such as it is and human too, is not God, but the absence of God. Bless the light...and sure wish we could share some of your wonderful weather too!!!! Although... there is a writer friend of mine who speaks poetically about a February in Chicago - red birds and all. She can be fearless, that one. I will send you her essay...although you can find a longer version of it at pullupachair.
I am still working at getting that birthday moment in the mail!
Love to you and all the family.
Chicago Ant.
I love Anne Lammott a crazy lot.
And Jenny Lewis (I'm pretty stoked. I just got five more songs).
And You.
And what you wrote.
thanks for your wisdom...and I do agree very much with your comment.
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