The Voice

I have inside of me and awful, nagging, sticky, terrible voice and it will not go away. It worms it's way across my thoughts and tells me horrible things in a plausible, persuasive voice. I whispers in my own voice that I am neither very smart nor very beautiful. It tells me that good things will not happen to me, and that I cannot be loved. It tells me that I absolutely cannot write, and that I should give up these piddling attempts and any wishes of greatness because whatever comes out is essentially dog-doo. Even when good things do happen, the voice slides into my brain and says, Oh no, this is too good to be true. It can't be happening, not to you...

I hate the voice, I hate it. It eats at my heart and destroys my faith. But I don't know how to make it go away for good. Temporary exorcisms are all I ever seem to manage. I am waging a constant battle with it, for when I shine light on these thoughts they seem so false and untrue... Yet they won't go away. I can't seem to control this second-guessing, even when I want to. When I pull out these thoughts I find them teeming and ugly and I hate myself. I want things passionately, and instantly borne out of that is fear. What is the answer? I think it might be God, but it's hard to get close to God when one feels so riddled with imperfection. Which is entirely backwards, yet entirely true of me. I know there is a difficult answer that lies somewhere in myself, and not in other people. I know I need to know that the voice is wrong.

Life is so full of broken things. People can't seem to act totally right, or love quite right. And some days you wake up and it just hurts like hell, and you wonder why people who do manage to love each other so well have to suffer. I don't know, I just don't know. I think there is some kind of grace out there. I see it, and I am trying to learn how to accept it. I want faith, I do.

I just read over this, and I am a little scared to post it. It's a little bit like pulling out my insides and putting them on display. But maybe putting this out there is in it's own way an act of faith. Maybe you have that voice too, and reading this will make you feel a little better. That is what I hope.